Chasing "myself"
Introspective entry
How can I be more me?
I don’t miss any pieces, I just am not understanding enough about who I am right now. I feel like I always chase something, because we all sort of do. As long as I don’t feel like what I have is not enough, it’s fine.
But I do, sometimes, wonder what more could there be?
Maybe I could be more “me”
Maybe I could be more
Maybe I could be
Maybe I could
Maybe I-
Maybe.
I keep on chasing something. Chasing the mere, small dreams and fantasies. Escaping into imagining the best there could be, even if when I actually get it, it’s nothing. It’s nothing compared to all the stuff that keeps on missing.
I look for pieces of myself in others’ lives. Even if it’s a mirage, a blink of an eye, a star in the sky. Even the stars burn. It is all nothing in the end.
The pieces won’t fit anyway. My puzzle is complete. There is no way to change the layout. All I can do is mess it up, trying to squeeze pieces that were never meant to be there. Break the puzzles I have so the new ones could magically fit.
They won’t match.
I’m a mosaic of everyone I have ever loved
I won’t be a mosaic of everyone I envied
One day, I’ll crack the mosaic. Look at it with disgust, with disappointment.
The other I’ll cry over the shattered glass.
I don’t want my pieces to break. I have nothing to build it with all over again.
It’s my everything.
-Zuzanna
